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Christmas without her

Written by Raymond Santos Estrella on Wednesday, 25 December 2002. Posted in 2002

I haven’t written anything for ages, this I have to admit. It’s not because there’s nothing to write or because I’m too busy or lazy since I’ve always made time for these things in the past. I guess that I’ve been feeling so tired lately. I’ve been feeling it for several months now. I know that I don’t make any sense at all. It’s just that this ache has been gnawing at me for quite some time already and its left me tired of thinking, tired of feeling anything. I’m getting tired of the rest of the world. Sleep and rest don’t take it away. This leads me to the question: Do I want it to go away? For now, I have no answers.

The past four months have been rough and I’m still amazed that I got through it all while keeping my head above the proverbial academic and emotional flood lest I be swept away by it all. Okay. Before I move on, I’m going to have to warn you that this is about to turn into one of those “love-sick-I-hate-my-ex” kind of blogs that you see popping up left and right on the net these days. Cliché, though it may be, I hope you’ll give me a few short lines to be truly, absolutely bitter about it. Alright with you? Then read on.

First things first, I miss her. I miss her SOOO much it hurts—and not in the teeny-bopper kind of hurt, mind you—but in a real heart-crushing kind of way. I’m feeling it right now, as I right this. I wish I could tell her how I feel and how much I needed her and still do. I wish I could hold her in my arms and whisper how I feel. But the chance has already past and there is no room for regret.

I honestly don’t know what the hell really happened between us. Things went by so quickly and before I knew it, I’d lost her—forever. Of course I could go on ranting until dawn that I should’ve done this and I should’ve or shouldn’t have done that. I never realized how great an influence one decision can make (or a string of decisions stemming from that first one) could alter one’s life until that fateful Tuesday. I didn’t realized that I’d come to love someone so much that I was willing to spend the rest of my life with her if given the choice. And she went away.

Come to think of it, why do I keep saying “I lost her”? I guess for the first time after so much has happened, I finally felt as if I really had someone. Someone I could share everything, my every thought and feeling. She believed in me when I didn’t even believe in myself. Maybe it was because she loved me but I’d like to think that she saw something no one else saw, something even I don’t see when I look at myself in the mirror.

This is my first Christmas without her. I can’t say that I’m overjoyed by this fact nor can I honestly state that I dislike it. I’m okay with it, I guess. Hmm… I’m turning into my old indecisive self again. Okay, I’m okay with it. There. Period. I miss you Kit… :(

* * * * *

Maybe I should call her up. It is Christmas, after all. But is that enough reason to call someone up and make amends? I really don’t think so. How different is Christmas from any other day of the year? Okay, so I’m just prolonging the moment of decision. I mean, will she talk to me after every hurtful thing I’ve said so far? Will she be as cheery as before? Will she recognize my voice after not having talked for almost two months? Will she say that she missed me? More importantly, will I say that I miss her?

Now this scares me. You know that fear? That fear that crawls up your spine from the very depths of your soul and eats up your courage? I don’t want to be vulnerable of my own volition again. I’m so tired of getting hurt. I’m so sick and tired of it all already and now its as if I’m walking into the same old trap again.

Can’t I just die in peace and get this life over with yet?

* * * * *

In closing, here’s something from the undying favorite Señor Pablo Neruda:

XX. Tonight I Can Write

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, ‘The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.’

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer lover her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another’s. She will be another’s. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

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Raymond Santos Estrella

I guess I should really make a proper writeup here. Something witty or maybe a joke to add some levity. I’ll come back to this when I have time. If you have any suggested copy that I can insert here, drop me a line.

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