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Coping

on Sunday, 15 April 2001. Posted in 2001

Well, its been about a week now since Kit and I broke up and I think I’m coping with it pretty well. Sure, I’m still a bit rough around the edges and thinking about still gets me a bit teary-eyed but I can control it now. I try not to think about it and I’m getting better at it. But there are times when I lie in bed and embrace my pillow and still say her name. I still want her but not as much as I used to. Maybe after the previous pains and frustrations I’ve gone through I’m getting numb to it all. Well, I hope not. I wouldn’t want to be an insensitive, stone-hearted guy after all this is done.

So what have I been up to these past few days? Almost next to nothing. I haven’t read or tried anything new. Hey, its the Holy Week, what do you expect? We didn’t go out of town this year and I haven’t had anyone to have any real conversation. If Kitkat were at home, we’d probably have been talking at almost every opportunity. Alas, she’s in Batangas. I called her up last Wednesday night and we talked for quite a while and got some stuff cleared up. Some things still aren’t as clear-cut but hey, they weren’t that way from the start. There’s this saying that goes “If it ain’t broken, don’t fix it.” Well, the problem here is I’m wondering if its broken or not. By default I’d assume that they aren’t so I’ll leave things as they are. No point in bringing up what isn’t important, right?

This whole “breaking-up” thing has left me emotionally drained. I’ll probably need a break from Kitkat and females, in general, for a while. I don’t know why but this experience is a bit easier than the one I had two summers ago when I was pining for Roni. Maybe I learned from the past, maybe I didn’t have much as much emotional strength to lose this time because I lost it all before, maybe it was because of the different circumstances. I don’t know. However, a little thought keeps creeping into my consciousness taunting me: maybe you never cared about her in the first place. Now that bugs me.

Kitkat is scheduled to go back home today and I don’t know if she’s there already. Why am I bringing this up? For your information, I’m concerned about her. Yeah, I still am. I mean, take away all that love and affection stuff and deep down, we’re still friends.

9:21:59 PM

Okay, I just called her-or should I say tried to call her. What do I mean? Well, the phone line is busy. Well, I guess I’m not the first on her list of people to call when she got back. I mean, a simple text would do fine. But no, not one peep out of her. You know what I’m thinking? I’m thinking that she doesn’t care about me anymore. I’m thinking that maybe I shouldn’t care about her either. Commitment is such an overrated thing, you know. It’s so hard to find someone who’ll be as committed to you during the good times as they are during the bad days. Damn. And by the way, life fucking sucks!

Tomorrow is registration day for all the students required to take summer. I’m part of that group of students and I’ve also become involved with RegCom, the student organization that handles registration for the rest of the Ateneo. Its going to be one heck of another long day ahead tomorrow. I wake up at around 4:30-5:00, do my stuff, leave the house at 5:30 and get to school by 6. Then the whole day is spent with RegCom, doing menial jobs and other dirty work until around 6pm. Fuck I’m beginning to hate this. In fact, my mom has been nagging be these past few days about it. Damn, I hate how things are going right now. And you know how all this gets worse? I have to go through all that tomorrow and on Tuesday.

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