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Graduation fears, end of the year stuff

Written by Raymond Santos Estrella on Tuesday, 31 December 2002. Posted in 2002

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

—Frank Herbert, “Dune Messiah”

I’m having mixed feelings what the future brings. This may be nothing more than a case of the by now, standard upcoming new year jitters but I think I’ve got reason to believe that this may be a pivotal time where every decision I make will have far-reaching consequences that I can’t even begin to fathom. Sounds scary, doesn’t it?

I’ll be graduating in 3 months and that scares the shit out of me. The end-all, be-all of a standard education is upon me and I don’t know what the heck I’m going to do afterward. I know I’m not the only one facing this kind of dilemma but that doesn’t really help. Yes, misery loves company but this isn’t exactly my idea of a good time. My dad wants me to go on and take up law after I graduate. I used to like the idea, used to cherish the thought of being an attorney but I’ve since wanted to try my hand in the workforce. It seems that I couldn’t have picked a worse time to finish my undergraduate studies, the country’s economic condition being in such a sore condition as it currently is. Employment opportunities are scarce and if they can be found, I don’t believe that companies would come running to me seeing how I’ve single-handedly mucked up my academics, contenting myself on being mediocre.

Tama ka Aves, we could’ve been great.

Regret, they say, only comes at the end of things. Oh well, what’s done is done and I’ll have to make do with the current state of things.

* * * * *

Despite the things that have happened, I don’t believe that its been a bad year at all. In fact, its been better than most. I admit that for a while there I’ve thought about giving up and just lying in bed waiting to waste away and die but I have learned that I still have a chance to change the rest of my life. I mean, I just turned 20 this year. That means that I still have a lot to do before the standard 60-year human lifespan is up. Problem is, I still don’t know what path I’ll take but one thing is for sure: I will not fear anymore.

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Raymond Santos Estrella

I guess I should really make a proper writeup here. Something witty or maybe a joke to add some levity. I’ll come back to this when I have time. If you have any suggested copy that I can insert here, drop me a line.

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