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I Can't Sleep

Written by Raymond Santos Estrella on Monday, 09 February 2004. Posted in 2004

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.

—Sidney J. Harris

Yes, I know. It’s 4am in the morning and I’m not in bed yet. I should be getting some shut-eye but I can’t seem to fall asleep at all. I tried about an hour ago but I guess I’m not tired yet. That’s why I’m here.

No, nothing is bothering me. Well, not much, actually. A lot has happened the past week and you don’t see me exactly jumping for joy right now, do you? I don’t know where to start so I guess I’ll begin in chronological order.

Last February 1, I finally let go. Yeah, after over three years, I’ve finally moved on. I told her how tired I was, how fed up I am with her attitude. I told her that I no longer love her.

And it felt good.

If you’re reading this, I hope you understand. I don’t feel good in a sadistic sense because of the fact that I hurt you. No, its far from that as can be. You know that I couldn’t promise that I’d never hurt you, that I’d never make you cry. I knew that the trials were there and seemingly insurmountable obstacles would come our way. I thought that we could handle everything together.

I’m sorry. I was wrong. :(

But then, maybe I was and still am right.

I don’t mean to blame you for everything, after all it does take two to tango. I just wanted to say that it was you who let go first. You were the one who shunned me away though I loved you through and through. You left me again and again, for reasons I couldn’t fathom at the time. That wasn’t how our love story was supposed to go. I mean, we were supposed to be forever. It was supposed to be Kit and Mond against the world, right?

Things went bad and I begged you to come back, to fix us. I didn’t want to give up just yet. I loved you too much to lie down and die just yet. I thought that if we could go through the tough trials, we would come out stronger than before.

Now I know that somethings that are broken just can’t be fixed. Now I know that love—one way love—is not enough to sustain two people. I guess I knew it from the start and I just didn’t want to believe it. I mean, there I was, at the point of losing you and I couldn’t, for the life of me, bear to lose you again. I foolishly thought that we would be different, that we would not succumb to the facts that history has taught us, that we would not fade into the night as another statistic, as another trend.

Damn, I was so wrong.

Well, Kit, it’s finally over. I no longer love you, at least the way I used to. I could write on for days about the reasons and the justifications but those will not do at all. That’s not how we started and that’s not how I want this to end. Never mind about who was to blame, or who has to say sorry, or who doesn’t know what they’re talking about.

If you think about it, we both lost in the end: I lost you and you lost me.

I’m sorry and I know you are as well.

Goodbye, honey.

* * * * *

My home network has broken down. You just can’t be too dependent on computers, can you?

You see, I have four computers here at home. which are as follows:

  • TIM, The Incredible Machine —I got this when I was in the 6th grade. This is actually the very first computer that I ever got, though not the first one I ever broke. Its an MS-DOS 6.22/Windows for Workgroups 3.11 machine working off an AMD 80386 CPU and a 200Mb hard disk. Why TIM? Because after a few years of use, it occurred to me that the very fact it still works is incredible. :)
  • Brick Road —This is my server, a Windows 2000 Server running on an Intel Pentium III-550. I bought this for a bargain price of P13,000! This is the PC I use to dialup to the internet and route all the LAN traffic through. It serves as LAN node, file server (has two 40Gb hard drives on RAID 0), object directory (MS Exchange) and firewall. Brick road because of the firewall software and it’s weird-looking case that resembles bricks.
  • Tin Man —My main computer. An old Pentium 4 2.0Ghz system. This used to be a 1.8Ghz computer which I bought in 3rd year college but have since upgraded it with a newer chip. Thank god for ZIF sockets! Anyway, this is a dual-boot system using Windows XP on the primary master and Windows ME on the secondary one. That seems like an odd combination but if you’re really diligent with applying patches, Windows ME can be quite secure and crash-proof as XP. Not to mention, it also boots a handful of seconds faster. The silver case reminded me of Tin Man, a character from the Wizard of Oz story.
  • Cow —The only laptop in the house is an old Pentium II-200Mhz system which has an internal 10Gb hard drive and a 24X CD-ROM drive. I hardly use this thing except when I have to tinker with unstable programs. Linux works lightning fast on this thing, though it can’t always detect the modem nor the LAN. The mouse and VGA port is also buggy under the Red Hat distribution. This thing is SLOW when I’m using Windows. Best to stay away from it.

I normally only use the latter three computers, the first being way too old to keep up with the network. TIM is also too old to see any shared files on Tin Man or Brick Road, it still being stuck to the old MAPI 1.0 and TAPI 1.0 standards. It also doesn’t have any support for long filenames which was first implemented in Windows 95 through its Object Files System and FAT32. Anyway, I’m digressing here.

So there I was, ready to get some stuff on the internet that would help me finish this site. I went about my normal routine turning on the UPS and switching on the power stripes. Brick Road was up and running and the router was blinking away happily. I switched Tin Man on as well and soon everything was up and running. Unfortunately, a minute or so after getting connected, something mysteriously went wrong with Brick. It was like that old blaster worm thing only there wasn’t any countdown. It just shutdown of its own accord without any warning at all. I rebooted the thing and dialed up again, thinking it was just another one of those bugs that Windows is famous for but the same thing happened. I kept trying but every time I’d dialup, Brick was shutting down after a few minutes online.

I gave up on that idea and just settled for opening up Tin Man again and transferring Brick’s modem to the former. That took about ten minutes and I thought that I was finally getting things to work. However, I couldn’t find the right drivers for the modem since it wasn’t really designed for XP but only up to Win2000. Haay… back to square one.

So now I’m writing this on an absolutely disconnected PC. It feels like the whole house has become a quarantined area. Tin Man can’t even talk to Brick Wall through the LAN! That means that all my WMAs and pictures are effetively cut off from me unless I use Brick Wall to play and view them which it isn’t meant to do since its a bare Windows 2000 system without any applications except for Office 2000, Microsoft Exchange, Norton Systemworks and Internet Firewall 2003.

I’m going to get to the bottom of this one of these days but I haven’t the time nor the patience to deal with it just yet. What’s worse is that I don’t have the slightest clue as to the reason behind all these kinks in the system. If anyone has an idea what I can do with my problem, please email me This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

* * * * *

As I’m writing this, I’ve noticed that Tin Man has become quite slow lately. I’m going to have to perform a whole hard drive wipe on the XP partition one of these days and reinstall everything. I’d like to try the new Microsoft Office 2003 and Norton Systemworks 2004 in the near future, I just don’t have the funds nor the time to buy them yet. I’ll buy a copy sometime in mid-March if things go as planned and I’ll post my review here.

Anyway, seeing as I’m not sleepy yet, I’ll go back to studying.

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Raymond Santos Estrella

I guess I should really make a proper writeup here. Something witty or maybe a joke to add some levity. I’ll come back to this when I have time. If you have any suggested copy that I can insert here, drop me a line.

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